Umrah Erased My Past

 

I ‘m just an average British Pakistani girl brought up in a Muslim household whose family focused heavily on culture than religion. My faith is something I hold dear to my heart. God and religion have always been something I have lent on throughout my years. No I am not perfect but aim to be as perfect as possible in my own way.

 

Why I went on this Journey

My sweet daddy was recently diagnosed with cancer; his one wish was that his children accompanied him to Mecca. Initially, I though wow it’s a big ask and I am not ready and so on… but fairly soon I found ample reasons as to why I should go. I feel like a prisoner in this world and find it so difficult to maintain the momentum of being a muslim going because of such distractions. I am not far off from being a good Muslim I just wanted to strengthened my dean just a little more and felt that connection with my God.

  1. To create memories with my farther and siblings;
  2. To thank God for all I have been blessed with;
  3. To push my limits and do something outside my comfort zone.

The day of the Journey

Before I knew it I Samara who dresses a little un-conservative was wearing a full jilbab no sign of any boobs, bums or leg showing and my head fully covered. I must admit I did at one point feel as if I was in fancy dress. The truth is it wasn’t me!  The only time I’d dress like this is when I am praying at home behind closed doors, so to be in public in this fashion was a little bit uncomfortable and very bizarre.

The Plane Journey

Once I made my intention the journey itself became surreal.  All the women were dressed in the same manner. Men change into their iram about 20 minutes before the Saudi Airlines plane landed. The awkwardness and unease I felt earlier vanished.

It was late evening when we landed in Jeddah and the car journey was around an hour to the hotel. Granted I was exhausted, tired and hungry and a little impatient, I really wanted my bed to rest and sleep but there was no time for that. In any other given situation I would have whinged and protested but I kept my patience and just went with the flow. It’s unbelievable when you set your mind to it you can achieve something that even you thought was impossible.

My fist steps towards the Kaaba

The warmth touched my skin, the crowd of people around me chanting the words of God, in a weird way it excited me.  There was a soft scent of jasmine and lavender surrounding me, I lowered my gaze as if I was anxious to see the Kaaba. I was apprehensive I had no idea what to expect and feel.

“The Kaaba blinded me with affection”

“I just wanted to strengthened my dean just a little more and felt that connection with my God”

 

 

As I slowly raised my eyes sporadically glancing at the floor and raising them ever so slowly, I was immediately hit by the sight of a huge magnificence and breath taking Kaaba. Words cannot express what I felt when I saw the Kabba for the first time, only you can experience it and only you can take those steps to truly understand the feeling that touch each part of your senses.

Even talking about it now I get butterflies in my stomach; the Kabba truly took my breath away and each day I returned I felt the exact same feeling each time I laid my eyes on it. I stood motionless and exhilarated that God gave me the chance to visit such a remarkable place.

I began my rituals which took around about 1 hour and 15 minutes approximately. I didn’t really feel much exhaustion at the time as the adrenaline was running through me. As I took my final step at Safa and Marva I felt the fatigue set in, lack of sleep and feeling a little disorientated but that didn’t matter I knew I had to keep going till the end. When I sat down to make my final pray before completing my umrah I prayed and prayed to God. I had this extraordinary feeling of acceptance from God, something I have never felt before. I lacked self acceptance, yet I came here to a place where I wasn’t expecting anything other to pay my duty and my respects.

 

 

“I stood motionless and exhilarated”

 

After my first night I felt exhilarated, proud and elated.  I had proven to myself worthy of Gods love.

I woke up the next morning with throbbing pains up my leg, but the real pain that struck me was a bizarre feeling of approval and to be able to let g of the past with out causing being so hard on myself. My past was officially deleted.

 “My past was officially  deleted”

During my time I have managed to achieve a LLB in Law whilst being pre occupied with getting a divorce but still managed to gain 2 new qualifications since graduating. I landed myself an awesome job with some remarkable people and accomplish so much more but have never felt like it was really an achievement. However, completing my umrah felt like a real accomplishment that not only benefits me in this world but the next.

 

I hope you enjoyed my story, I d love to hear weather you left with a similar experience  or how you found your journey. Leave me a comment and subscribe for further posts.

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